Motivating, Funny, and just plain good old Corps stuff
Proper Definition of Marine Rank
General
Leaps tall buildings with a single bound.
Is more powerful than a locomotive.
Is faster than a speeding bullet.
Walks on water.
Gives policy to God.
Colonel
Leaps short buildings with a single bound.
Is more powerful than a switch engine.
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water if sea is calm.
Talks with God.
Lieutenant Colonel
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine.
Is faster than a speeding B.B.
Walks on water in indoor swimming pools.
Talks with God if special request chit is approved.
Major
Barely clears quonset huts.
Loses tug of war with locomotive.
Can fire a speeding bullet.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by God.
Captain
Makes high marks when trying to leap building.
Is run over by locomotives.
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury.
Dog paddles.
Talks to animals.
First Lieutenant
Runs into buildings.
Recognizes locomotives two out of three times.
Is NOT issued ammunition.
Can stay afloat if properly instructed in the use of Mae West.
Talks to walls.
Second Lieutenant
Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings.
Says: "LOOK AT THE CHOO-CHOO."
Wets himself with a water pistol.
Plays in mud puddles.
Mumbles to himself.
Sergeant (any)
Lifts buildings and walks under them.
Kicks locomotives off the tracks.
Catches speeding bullets in his teeth and eats them.
Freezes water with a single glance. BECAUSE...
HE IS GOD!!!
Rear Admiral Stark's views on Marines
(taken from a speech at the 220th USMC birthday)
As I tried to think of a way to wrap all this up, it occurred to me that the Services could maybe be characterized by different breeds of dogs...Now I don't want to offend anybody, and I'm sure each of you will have your own opinions, but these are my favorites.
For me, the Air Force was pretty clear. They remind me of a French Poodle. A poodle always looks perfect, like it just came from the hairdresser. It sometimes seems a bit pampered. It always travels first class. But don't ever forget, the poodle was bred as a first-class hunting dog, and in a fight, it's very dangerous.
The Army is kind of like a Saint Bernard. It's big, and heavy, and sometimes seems a bit clumsy. But it's very powerful and has lots of stamina. So you want it for the long haul.
The Navy, God bless 'em, are a Golden Retriever. They're good natured and great around the house. Kids love 'em. Sometimes their hair is a bit long, and it tends to shed a little. They go wandering off for long periods of time, and they love the water.
The Marines were a bit of a problem. I don't see the Marines as an English Bulldog, like Chesty the Marine Corps mascot. In fact, I actually see the Marines as two different breeds, either Rottweillers or Dobermans, because Marines come in two varieties --- big and mean, and skinny and mean. They're both very territorial. They're aggressive on the attack, and tenacious on defense. They've both got really short hair, and they always go for the throat. That sounds like a Marine to me!
DEFINITION OF A MARINE
Marines come in all sizes, weights, states of sobriety, misery, and confusion. He is shy as a fox, has the nerve of a dope addict, the stories of an old sailor, the sincerity of a liar, and the appetite of a horse. He is unreliable, irresistible and indestructible.
A MARINE is a magical creature, you can lock him out of your house, but not your heart. You can take him off your mailing list but not off your mind. Marines are found everywhere: in bars, behind bars, in battle, in love, on leave and in debt.
No one can write so seldom and yet think so much of you. No one else can get so much enjoyment out of a letter, civilian clothes, or a six pack of beer. A Marine is lazy with a deck of cards, a millionaire without a cent, brave without a grain of sense. He is the protector of America, with the latest copy of Playboy in his back pocket.
When he wants something, it's usually a three day pass, a five dollar bill or a standby home. Girls love them, mothers tolerate them, the United States support them, and somehow they manage to live together. No woman can tame him, no man can beat him.
He likes girls, females, women, ladies, and members of the opposite sex. He dislikes answering letters, wearing his uniforms, his superiors, getting up for reveille, Marine Corps chow, basic training, and the week before payday. You might as well give in. He is your long distance lover, your bright eyed good for nothing bundle of worry. Even all your shattered dreams become insignificant when he comes home to you and greets you with those innocently spoken words:
"Hi."
11 General Orders:
(Viet Nam era parody: Author unknown)
1. To take charge of this table and all drinks within reach.
2. To walk quickly from the head to prevent serious interference with beer drinking.
3. To report all soft drinks to the management.
4. To repeat all calls for refills from comrades too far gone to be heard.
5. To quit my table only when satisfied that there is nothing more to drink.
6. To receive, put away, but not to pass on to anyone, all shots the bartenders, waiters, waitresses, cooks, and dishwashers, and helpers, or anyone who offers, alcoholic beverages.
7. To talk to no-one who drinks malted milks.
8. To give the alarm 15 minutes before closing time, so that all present may get the maximum benefit from the time remaining.
9. To call long and loud if drinks seem to be flowing slowly.
10. To salute all vodka, bourbon, scotch, gin, and beer not corked.
11. To be especially watchful for nights the drinks are free, and during the time liquors are running short, to challenge anyone who seems to be getting more to drink than myself, and to allow no-one to get tighter than I do.
"Freedom has a special meaning for those of us who have fought for it, that the
protected shall never know"
"I was that which others did not want to be. I went where others feared to go, and did what others failed to do. I asked nothing from those who gave nothing and reluctantly accepted the thought of eternal lonliness should I fail. I have seen the face of terror, felt the stinging cold of fear, and enjoyed the sweet taste of a moments love. But most of all I have lived times others would say were best forgotten. At least some day I will be able to say, I was proud of what I was and always will be...............A United States Marine"
"There's only two ways of doing things the right way and the Marine Corps way"
"The Marine Corps is one big family, wherever you go you always end up finding one another. Young or old, Marines always gravitate towards their own kind"
unknown author:
The Marine Corps has no ambition beyond the performance of its duty to its country.
Its sole honor stems from that recognition which cannot be denied to
a Corps of men who have sought for themselves little more than a life of hardship and the most hazardous assignments in battle.
From my flak-Jacket - "Yea though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death I fear no evil because I'm the meanest mother-F----- in the valley."
Golf 2/5 Vietman '69--- Bill Hardy
There are only two groups of people who know about U.S. Marines:
1. U.S. Marines
and
2. The Enemy
Everyone else has a second-hand opinion.
Jim Baxter
The Honor of Our Corps
When the beer, it flows like water,
And the talk, it turns to war,
Then we speak of absent comrades
And the Honor of our Corps.
Of the fights in distant places
And the friends who are no more,
Dying faithful to the nation
And the Honor of our Corps.
Though our bones are growing brittle
And our eyes are growing poor,
Still our hearts are young and valiant
For the Honor of our Corps.
Should the Eagle, Globe and Anchor
Call us to the field once more,
We would muster at the summons
For the Honor of our Corps.
When the years have told our story
And we close the final door,
We will pass to you for keeping
Bright the Honor of our Corps.
Will you take the awesome burden?
Will you face the fire of war?
Will you proudly bear the title
For the Honor of our Corps?
--Robert A. Hall
(Published in Leatherneck)
by Kyle R. Fix
Just prior to my graduation from a single A, southwestern Virginia high school in 1985, an assembly was called in our gymnasium for recruiters from each branch of service to address senior class men.The Army, Navy, and Air Force recruiters dazzled us with promises of valuable training, exotic travel, money for college, etc. A hush then fell upon the crowd as a Marine Staff Sergeant in Dress Blue Bravos flanked by two Sergeants marched out toward the podium. They halted simultaneously adjacent to the podium, heels snapping together sounding like a rifle shot echoing inside the gym. The Staff Sergeant (without the aid of a microphone) barked," If you join the Marine Corps, I'll guarantee you two things;"
1.You'll receive initial recruit training at MCRD Parris Island, SC and
2.YOU WILL NOT LIKE IT!!
"Now if any of you maggots have the mettle to be a Marine, you come and talk to me." That was it, the whole presentation. They executed an about-face and marched out of the gym.
BEER TROUBLESHOOTING
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to rest room, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy looking.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
"Leatherneck" drink:
Ingredients:
Tabasco sauce
151 proof rum
Mixing instructions:
Pour 1/4 inch to one inch Tabasco into shot glass. Pour Rum over Tabasco and shoot it.
Creator/contributor's comments:
The amount of Tabasco decides the punch involved in the drink - the bigger men need more Tabasco. The drink is from the Dry Bean Saloon in College Station Texas (Next to the Dixie Chicken). Only in Aggieland!
Proper Uniform
A Marine General was being court-martialed for an incident where he was found to be chasing a young lady through the hallways of the hotel in which they were both staying. Neither of them were wearing anything. One of the charges was that of "being out of uniform."
The General's lawyer argued that the officer was not out of uniform, as the regulations read: "A Naval officer must be at all times appropriately attired for the activity in which he is engaged."
The General was acquitted.
